Once Upon a Time: My Experience at Survival School

It's been a hot minute since I've posted, which is how blogging goes these days.....

I'm in Georgia for work and I'm working with an Active-Duty Joint Terminal Attack Controller (JTAC) and he mentioned something about SERE (Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape) School, and it seemed very similar to the Survival School I went to back in the day. In my time the school I went to was "basic" and we called the SERE school the "advanced beatings" course.

Of course the conversation got me thinking & on a trip down memory lane.....

Back in 1999 I knew I was getting out of the Air Force in 2000, although I was planning to go Full Time Air National Guard. I had just been made my Squadron's Unit Training Manager so I got some liberty in assigning personnel to schools. Survival School was a "requirement" for my career-field, but the Air Force expected units to pay for the training, instead of "big Air Force" adding it to the student pipeline, which made way more sense. Needless to say, money was always tight in the 90's and units were NOT sending their TACP personnel to Survival School, despite it being a "required" school.

I needed to have 6 months retainability to attend Survival School, which means I had to be finished before August 1999, or it wasn't going to happen. I managed to get into one of the 1st classes when Big Air Force started paying for the course and made it a pipeline school.

Survival School started off with a week or so of classroom, followed by a few days in the field for the survival portion. We'd have another classroom section, but I'll get to that in due time. I was a SSgt at the time and there were a few TACP airmen just out of Tech School. The cadre's initial plan was to spread the 1C4's around, but I was pretty opposed to that since there was clearly a big disconnect between reality for these Air Force Aircrews and the TACPs. I wanted to be able to have "my guys" together so I could interject as needed. For example, the Aircrews would have Air Force Survival Vests and specific gear tied to their ejection seats, which TACP should have a lot more combat-related kit. The Air Crews might have an emergency radio with a couple frequencies, while the TACPs do have much more robust commo gear and could easily access multiple frequency bands and need to know what the actual emergency frequencies were, because they can't just flip a switch to get one of the pre-sets.

The cadre agreed and I was in a group with all three of the TACPs and a Lieutenant-type (2nd Lt) to round out the group. Our group's Instructor was a Senior Airmen (SrA) and I think we were his first solo group. Now in Survival School each individual was given a single Meal-Ready-to-Eat (MRE) and the group had a rabbit. Normally the group takes care of the rabbit during the four (?) days of the field portion and dispatch it towards the end. As young men tend to do, all the TACPs were practically bragging on how they were going to "kill the rabbit". It's a thing that is needed to be done, not something worth boasting about. In retrospect I think they were trying to psych themselves up about what they really perceived as a dreaded task.

After learning how to use our issued Survival Knives, a piece of kit none of us, save that Lt, would have once we left school, the Instructor wanted us to kill the rabbit to "get it out of the way". Of course all the "brave" Airmen were not up to the task, nor was the Lt. I've probably killed a hundred rabbits in my day, usually with a shotgun, but I've had to humanely dispatch a few that weren't killed outright. I go to pin the rabbit's ears back with a reverse grip around the neck, as I intend to use it's body weight to snap it's neck. It's quick, efficient, and humane......but no, I cannot do that. I'm to hold the thing buy it's rear legs and then whack it at the back of the head with a stick.

"I get it, the academic here is that a sharp blow to the back of the head is a generic way to kill anything", I tell the instructor. No, I must dispatch this animal in the prescribed fashion. Again, I iterate that this is a better method, in this particular case, and I make a point to explain I've likely killed far more rabbits than this SrA has. The Instructor won't budge, so I give this thing a strong whack....and it isn't dead. 

Now I do not know if you've ever heard a rabbit scream in pain. It sounds far too much like a small child, and a loud as hell one at that. I'm pissed. I whack it again, and again for good measure, finally killing it with (hopefully) that second blow. I go ahead and then grab the thing as I had originally intended and demonstrate how I had planned on killing the poor creature and how it would have been not only more humane, but silent...which might be important in both a survival and evasion situation. I then proceed to skin and gut the animal so we can cook it as a rough stew.

There wasn't a need to be carrying extra calories around as we were in the mountains of Eastern Washington during late June. We were surrounded by food. Wild Strawberries were in season and while foraging for berries is kind of time consuming, you can pretty much eat the whole plant, and the fields were just FULL of Shasta Daisies. I should note that I had a makeshift spear and got to with 15' of a deer, and while I could've taken the "shot" I knew I'd probably just have wounded it and while it would have been legendary, I wasn't willing to risk it. I wasn't stalking the deer, just came across it while solo, and I think it didn't have a clue what I was for a bit. 

We had to do a lot of land navigation training, which for TACPs just out of Tech School it's a bit of a joke as they have a lot more training in much more difficult terrain. As such the Lt got most of the focus and the entire time we're be-bopping around the countryside I'm just harvesting handful after handful of greenery. 

Now the Instructor has a Plugger (GPS) and at one point he tells us we need to to to a certain grid and we need to head Southeast. Um, what? "Can you confirm what grid we're at?" He tells us and I tell him he's wrong, we need to go Northeast. He starts to get a bit....uppity(?), restating how he's the Instructor and we have to do as he says. Now of course after a couple decades I have to paraphrase, but I know I basically called bullshit and that this wasn't a Student vs. Instructor thing or even a SSgt. vs. SrA thing, he's just fucking wrong. The TACPs are staying out of it but the Lt is telling me I need to knock it off.

The fuck I do! "Listen....coordinates are just numbers, right? If we are at this number and the 1st half of the number we need to go to increases, we are heading East from our current location. If the second half of the number increases as well, then we also need to head North. If that second half decreases, the we are heading South. Last time I checked if we head North and East from our current location we need to go Northeast. You do not need a GPS or a map to figure this shit out."

The Instructor didn't really pay much attention to my words and countered with something to the effect of, "Well then we should've crossed a small branch heading Northeast from the road we were on." I pointed out there was one not even 100m back "that way". The Instructor stormed off to find said spur/branch while we "rested" and the Lt took the opportunity to try and admonish me, which wasn't going to work....because I was right. It could literally be figured out just by comparing numbers.

We finish that day and then have to make some individual bed-down sites where the Instructors place us. We're quite a distance apart, enough we couldn't see each other if we tried. I took the opportunity to build a nice little camp complete with a small Dakota firepit and was busy brewing some Wild Strawberry Tea when they (pretty sure the whole class was in the general area) came to check on me. It took them a moment to even notice I had a fire, which is kind of the point. "Did you actually build a fire?!" "Was I not allowed to? Nobody said we couldn't....would you like some tea. Tastes just OK, but better than iodine purified water."

I don't really remember much of the next/last day of training except that we gathered all the groups together for the night and one of the Combat Controller (CCT) guys, a Captain, was going around trying to scrounge food for one of his guys. He had this massive CCT Airman that was a fucking brick shithouse of a dude. I have no idea how he managed the swim portion, but these days in the field must have been brutal for such a muscular guy. I was able to give him my entire MRE, save for the instant coffee/creamer/sugar packet I had already eaten. I remember because the Captain was surprised I still had it, but I had been eating like a cow so I hadn't felt like I needed it. 

The next day we had to do some escape and evasion, basically trying to make it from the camp to a designated spot. I know some groups got captured and at least my group and another had not, but I don't think that was a skill issue as much as it was who-the-instructors-focused-on issue. We made it to the "extraction bus", but once everyone was safely on the bus, "captured" or not, we were all informed we were now captured and were being the resistance portion of training. All I remember is being slotted into what was basically a large wooden locker tall and wide enough to stand up and turn around comfortably in, locked in, and subjected to way too much Yoko Ono. We had bags on our heads and the "guards" would periodically check in to make sure you were still standing inside and if your weren't, well I do not know what happened but I could hear people being extracted and marched off for a bit and then returned.

This portion only lasted for a day because then we were removed from the field and taken back for a couple of days of resistance/escape classroom training. While several things from training still stick with me, I think I mostly remember the one-handed POW sign language...well at least the letter "Q". After the classroom we went back to the "POW Camp" were they had us strip down naked and went through our stuff rather quickly. It was weird because on some level they did not fuck around and on other stuff, not so much. We were highly encouraged to try and sneak various items in with us. Pretty sure they could have found everything I tried to smuggle in, but they didn't. On the flip side they were harsh with the "strip" portion of the strip search. They did not segregate the women, but they did have them together at the end of the group, where I was. I did see some nude officers, but it was kind of surreal, more like watching a movie with my parents and some nudity comes on the screen and we all just pretend it isn't happening.

History has proven female POWs are not treated well and the course did not sugar coat that fact at all.

One of the items I tried to smuggle in was a fake attempt, as in I wanted them to find it. I had hit the Base Exchange and found what looked liked teacher's stickers to hand out in kindergarten. They were an inch, maybe inch and a half, and said "I did as I was told today." Yeah, that was pretty popular with the guards and I don't know it that helped me smuggle more stuff in or not. 

We all had different training scenarios to go through and most everything was being filmed. My first bit was with a "Red Cross Representative" and for the most part it doesn't matter what you do you're going to be "wrong". For example, they might throw, towards your feet, what appears to be a US Flag and if you catch it, it's miraculously the flag of our enemy and if you don't it then looks like you're standing on our flag. With selective editing they can, and will, get whatever they want...eventually. 

Now I was trying to be a smartass, because I'm me. I had gotten some info on a guy with the same name as me, and about the same age. There's a few of us. One guy is a concert promoter in NY, another a Principle in Kansas(?), and one in prison for killing a family while drunk-driving. Definitely not me! I knew of a Montana Rancher and had some of his details, so I gave bad info. They had looked up some of my file and tried to verify things and I was able to tell them they had the wrong guy. Some of it was *actually* correct, but I didn't know it was. I did not know the 1st three digits of your Social Security Number (SSN) is based one where you were "born", but not really. I didn't get a SSN until I was five(ish) so the prefix was for where I resided when I got the number, not where I was born. So between my attempts to misdirect and my accidental misdirection, I'm probably more successful than I had hoped. Pretty sure I was actually fucking up this portion, as in not doing what I was supposed to, but whatever.

Then they transitioned to trying to get me to spew out some "enemy" propaganda. They ask me to stand in the corner, pick up this wooden sign, hold it in front of me and read what is written on the back of it. Fortunately for me I can read upside down and backwards so I deliberately hold it upside down and start reading. The Instructor is telling me I'm doing it wrong and I'm all, "No, that's what it says....." He tells me to flip it over, so I do so, exposing the real message they were trying to get me to hold up. He keeps giving me instructions and I'm being the biggest moron possible. "I'm sorry, but it's just so hard to follow directions because I'm hungry and haven't eaten...." 

In the middle of all this I manage to damage a cuticle.....a fucking cuticle. Doesn't bother me a bit, but it starts bleeding, which makes the Instructor basically call a "time out" to bring in some kind of medic. I say some kind, because while the guy has a first aid kit, it's a shit first aid kit. He doesn't have any bandage tape or even simple band-aids. Really? I ask if this is "out of scenario" and he confirms it is, so I just drop trousers and flop over my pockets to where I have long strips of bandage tape smuggled in. A small piece and I'm taped up and good-to-go.....but I'm not. Now I'm "injured" and have to wear this yellow armband to show I'm injured so now I cannot do certain exercises.....again....really? It's a fucking cuticle!

I'm eventually released back to my cubby and then pulled out to go to "the box". I can get a little claustrophobic and I really expected to lose my shit when I was folded up like a pretzel and stuffed into a small cubby in a larger bank of small cubbies. The door is locked behind me and it's all I can do to keep from freaking out, at first. Eventually I realize that if I relax a bit, which is difficult but manageable, I can move my hands a bit and wiggle around some. I manage to get out a small flashlight and piece of chalk I had in my waistband. The Battle Dress Uniform (BDU) is doubled up at the waistline and there is room to stuff small items in the space between layers. I'm able to shuffle around a few degrees at a time and end up doing what seemed like a 54 point turn so I'm facing the rear of the box instead of the front like they stuffed me in. Between the flashlight and the chalk I'm able to draw a "Killroy was here" and write the date of a future class (probably not a real class date, but just not mine!) I surprise my captors when they went to pull me out of the box....totally worth it.

We got moved to little POW huts as a group and this is where we were expected to form some kind of escape plan. I wasn't involved in the plan because as a yellow-band the guards tried making me look like a traitor. They handed me a dummy AK47 and expected me to "guard" my fellow prisoners. This AK was pretty impressive as it had a lot of metal and you were even able to make it look like you could cycle it. I pulled the fake bolt back and inserted a stick, making sure it was noticeable to anyone actually paying attention. Every chance I had I had my "rifle" pointed at the actual guards as well. As part of my "job" if anyone had to use the bathroom I had to escort them the the actual bathroom and stand outside saying something like "All you bitches and bastards have to stand back......" I do remember the longer phrase definitely had "bitches and bastards" as part of it. I said it loudly and worth the worst inflections I could manage, I knew I was being filmed but I didn't want anyone to think I was serious.

I had two more exercises, one was an interview with me and one of the TACP airmen where they gave us some food and tried to look all benevolent. I let the Airman eat all the food and insinuated that such rich food (it was just a can of beans) was a bit much for my stomach. I do recall also mentioning how many were in our group, but not much else. The other exercise was basically another interview with the "Commandant" about being released....if we'd agree to something that was against the Geneva Conventions. The one NCO I was with refused and was told to leave the room and after he left I said I'd agree to the the end-effect of what he wanted but not the actual agreement because of the violation. Someone needed to get out.....but I also did not know that a couple of the CCT guys had managed to escape according to their plan, mostly because they had to turn back to finish training.

The POW Camp ended in a spectacular fashion that was actually awesome, but since I assume they still do something similar I would not want to ruin the moment for anyone. Afterwards one of the aircrews bought a keg and we had an impromptu party where I got to do my 1st, and last, keg stand where I did ok all things considered.

Relatively High-Speed Aggressors (Storytime)

During my time in the Army Air Corps..... just joking.... I was an Air Force Enlisted Terminal Attack Controller working with Army maneuver units ("a drop of blue in a sea of green") we were pretty much red-headed step-children, definitely NOT the poster-boys the career field is today (they literally use some of "my" guys for recruiting posters....). Most of the Air Force didn't know who we were, and more importantly, didn't care.

Now I've never been truly high-speed, jumping out of perfectly good aircraft or swimming to work. While I've never worked with SF or Rangers, I have worked with just about every other type of Army combat unit. Still, compared to "regular" Air Force, I/we were relatively high-speed and I got to learn this during an extended Air Based-Ground Defense (ABGD) training event.

Now for the uninitiated, the Air Force world pretty much revolves around the airfield, which is defended by Security Forces, but when shit-hits-the-fan they'll hand pretty much anybody a fucking rifle and have them man the perimeter..... and in general most Air Force don't really have a clue what a perimeter is and have some issues pointing the bang-stick in the right direction (here's a clue....it's away from the multi-million dollar aircraft). Because of this, anybody that might be assigned to serve as ABGD has to go through some additional training.....and somebody has to be the "bad guys" for this training.

Enter this 1C4 and two of his comrades. Because we're with the Army 24/7 we don't "do" ABGD and command freed us up to help out. We show up at the right time & place with our gear and it's kind of a shit-show. There's a bunch of regular Air Force types and it pretty much looks like they're camping....not being "in the field" but camping....camp fires, smores, and everything....though I didn't recall seeing beer. We show up in MILES gear already setup, our GAU-5Ps (shortened full-auto M16's), and all we have to do is pop the mobiflex (special tent) and dump our gear. That takes all of a half hour and we're just chilling in our tent waiting.......until...

KA-BOOM!

As soon as we hear the explosion, all three up us pop on our helmets, grab our rifles, and start clearing the camp (as we already had our MILES gear on). The rest of the REMFs were quite startled when the idiot accidentally set of a grenade burst simulator and then a bit shocked when they saw us bursting out expecting an attack.....I mean, this was a training event, right? There was one Security Forces rep there and I'd like to think she was impressed, but hell if I know. She just bitched out the moron that was playing with the simulator and decided it was a good time to gather everyone up for a little intro to ABGD Aggressor duties. She asked us to form a line for a little walk-about, but really didn't do shit to actually organize us, so I pulled rank and did so, having one of my guys take point, another trail, while I took lead with "Buffy" (the Security Forces Senior Airman) beside me.

As we headed over towards the training site for ABGD we were able to take a leisurely route along the road. As we got closer she demanded we get off the road into the ditch....reasonable enough. Now I had already scouted the map and at a certain spot I had my point check out the road crossing and when it was clear, started sending everyone over to the ditch on the other side.

Buffy fucking lost her shit because we could be seen crossing the road from one vantage point on the ABGD camp. Frankly I didn't care and I kept the group moving, listening to her bitch and moan. Once we were all over the road my guys linked up on me and I tried to calm Buffy down. Yes, we could be seen if we crossed here, BUT the ABGD camp was basically on a large field at the very edge of the training area. At some point we'd have to cross this one road to access the camp, but what she didn't realize.....not sure if she had actually looked at the map, or walked the area, herself...was that this crossing spot was better than most anywhere else AND it gave us access to a creek bank at the base of the hill. The creek ran along maybe 75% of the camp's accessible side and by entering here we can use the creek and trees as cover to come up anywhere we wanted with near impunity. The only places we didn't have great access to were the front and rear gates, but even then it was better than crossing the roads at the gates.

My guys agreed & backed me up. You could pretty much see the light-bulb moment when she realized that we actually had an effing clue as to what we were doing. Ended up kind of biting us in the ass because now we were in demand for almost every training op they had. Get a quick brief, play out the scenario, rest for a few hours, then repeat......

I honestly don't remember if it was three or four days of missions, but it culminated in a mass night-time attack where we had to push until dead. I still call bullshit to this day, but I got killed rushing a machine gun nest from it's rear. My rifle jammed bad (fucking Vietnam-era POS...got a brass wedged in somewhere it isn't supposed to fit.) and I allegedly got killed by a grenade. Not a simulator mind you, but some REMF shouting "grenade" and them miming throwing one (ok, I assumed the miming part). Dude, I was still a good 30 yards away and you want me to believe you successfully lobbed a grenade through a thick stand of trees, at night, with no NVGs? Whatever, what was I going to do, butt-stroke the fuckers?

The training event completed, we were deemed "high-speed" enough to get on the short list for ABGD Aggressors. I only got to do the training one more time. On that trip I managed to sever their commo lines and just walk in to their ammo supply point. The OCs wouldn't let me steal their Hummer and ammo, nor was I allowed to simulate destroy everything. After that it was like, "What's the point?"

ALS Story (NSFW)

A lifetime ago, when I was in the Air Force, I had to scramble to attend Airman Leadership School (ALS) because I was going to be deployed, and make Staff Sergeant (SSgt) "downrange". Now my career field keeps us well away from "regular" Air Force and we normally went to a specific Air Force base for ALS, but this small base on the other side of the country was able to do me a solid. Normally their capacity is just enough for the Airmen on base, but I was allowed to attend with five other Airmen as a six-week Temporary Duty (TDY). I was the first from my career field to attend this particular school and at the time most Airmen have no clue what I did, so fish-out-of-water is an appropriate analogy.

This One Time, at the Strip Club....

 

I recently shared this old story from back in my Air Force days and thought, for better or for worse, I should share here because, wel reasons.

Back when I had but one stripe to lose and was stationed at Ft Lewis someone discovered an ad in the paper for some rather busty bimbo making the rounds appearing at the local Deja Vue. The ad had little more than a headshot and the copy stating "THEY'RE HUGE!!!", which became our catch-phrase for the week.

Friday rolls around and since we're paying a buck or two to wear civvies it is decided that we should have a unit luncheon at Deja Vue (THEY'RE HUGE!!!) as they have a free lunch buffet. I'm one of the guys eating his shitty lunch just off of the stage and then "She" comes out. They were rather large and nice, but definitely not "huge" in the comical way some are today. She was damn fine though.

After reverse motorboating one of my brothers, and totally fucking up his glasses, she drags out this little kiddie pool and proceeds to strip and pour a pitcher or water slowly over her body. She's only wearing a lei and a smile. Good times. As part of her routine she flicks some water on some of us. I motion "bring it on" and she tosses some more water at me. Another hand motion and she just empties the pool back into the pitcher, pours it all over me (definitely not as hot as when she did it the 1st time). Then she kisses me on the cheek and gives me her lei.

I remember getting back to the shop and rolling out of someone else's car shouting out to the unit, "I GOT LEI'D!!!".....yeah, it ends up the unit had some VIPs, including some female officers, visiting the unit and it was quickly decided that my ass had to be hidden away for a spell.

Later that evening another brother, Mike, and I go back to the club....why not, my admission from lunch was still good. We see her evening show and Mikey pays for a picture with her, then we stay for some other strip-shows.

Now Mike had this one interesting....peculiarity(?) he had which was that he was convinced that beautiful women were always checking him out. While we're sitting in the middle of the room having a beer and watching this hot blonde strip he starts up (again). "Dude...she's totally checking me out." Sure Mike....sure. After a bit more of this I'm at least humoring him and no shit, it does look like she's paying him waaaaay too much attention. I remember thinking just how painful this attention is going to be for future me, especially when her set ends and holy f##k....she's coming to our table.....

.....Where she totally ignores Mike to talk with me! I got a couple free lap dances and an invitation for a private show, which I got for about half the going rate. Now I've never been so conceited to think anything other than I was her mark of choice for the moment and I'm sure I left the club with no money in my wallet, but to be able to put Mike in his place back then and to remind him almost 30 years later......well worth it!

Twofer Tuesday: Kimchi Grilled Cheese Sandwich and Chipotle Mayo

 

So now that I have my homemade Kimchi recipe down I've been enjoying it much more frequently than I had been before. I liked Kimchi, but the stuff I had been buying was downright ......effervescent? The brand I had bought (as recently just tossed) is actually a little carbonated because it was fermented so long.

Since I now had stuff I liked I decided I'd brush off my version of the best grilled cheese sandwich that I ever had, courtesy of a little grilled cheese shop in the Columbus OH, North Market that (IIRC) was called The Best of the Wurst.

I think there are other, more successful places with the same name, but if you're in Columbus and have the opportunity to go to the North Market.....hit this place up. I loved everything I've had there, but the Kimchi Grilled Cheese sandwich rocked my world, for more than one reason. It's great, obviously, but this sandwich introduced me to not just one knew flavor, but two. Because of this, consider this post a bit of a twofer.

The Kimchi Grilled Cheese Sandwich is pretty easy:

• Sourdough Bread
• Gruyère Cheese
• Chipotle Mayo
• Kimchi

Now the hard part for me is the cheese.....it's kind of pricey and usually only available in a small wedge, but I lucked out and found one market in town that had it not only at a decent price, but available sliced as thick as you like at the deli.

Lay down your bread, lay down some Chipotle Mayo....what, you don't have Chipotle Mayo? That's the twofer and the best DIY condiment you NEED to be making, so I'll loop around to making that at the end of this post. Anyway, Sourdough Bread & Chipotle Mayo go on first, followed by sliced Gruyère Cheese. Put those identical halves together with a little Kimchi in the middle and grill. I grill mine for about 6 minutes dry (i.e. no butter) on my George Forman grill.

Soooooo good.

OK, so this fancy Chipotle Mayo is the best stuff, but also the easiest thing to make. All you need to do is take one of those little cans of Chipotle in Adobo Sauce and toss it in your blender. Blend until smooth and add a little (like start off with a 1/2 tsp to a couple cups) to some mayo. The color should be a pinkish-orange, but go by taste. I make a small jar of Chipotle Mayo and keep it in the fridge and usually I end up having to throw out the majority of the blended Chipotle in Adobo Sauce because so little goes in the mayo.

I do consider Chipotle Mayo to be actual awesomesauce.