The first morning of class is largely just getting to know the other students attending ALS and it is really easy to figure out the six of us there TDY since we didn't know anyone else, while everyone else did. One of the six was this woman who was simply waaaaaay too cocky. Now I'm used to working with cocky guys, but 99% of the time they can back up every bit of smack they talk. It doesn't take much small talk to figure out this Senior Airman (SrA) probably slept her way to her promotion. I say that because she married her supervisor and a few of us speculated openly that he helped her with promotion points and testing. I'm sure any vets, especially Air Force, can say that fraternization is more than frowned upon.
Right off the bat this SrA is telling everyone who is listening (actively or not) how she is going to "win" the Honor Graduate Award for our class. She immediately starts brown-nosing the cadre and I know I'm not the only one who thought we'd be in for an interesting six weeks of ALS. Even though it generally isn't allowed, I had an issued Government Vehicle for this course and got to use it to drive the 40 miles or so from Billeting (Hotel) and the ALS course. Since Uncle Sam is paying for gas I quickly start driving three of the other TDY students, two Security Police and a Weather guy, back and forth. We were all in the same flight with the cocky SrA and we probably spent too much time making fun of her, especially her constant brown-nosing. These conversations usually started with, "Did you see what your sister was doing today?"
Fast forward a week or so and it's my turn to be "in charge" of the students for the day as we had a rotating class leader. Now I did as my Supervisor/NCO would do and took off early (i.e. left billeting earlier than normal) to stop at a local downtown bakery to bring everyone a large assortment of assorted pastries for breakfast, more than enough for the 50 or so students and teachers. I'm making pretty good TDY Per Diem so it really isn't a strain. Of course my "sister" had to complain loudly for anyone to hear that I was just trying to suck up for the Honor Graduate Award. At the end of the course two of the criteria for that award is how the students thought of you and how the instructors thought of you (both were rankings). I was genuinely trying to do something nice because I could and I'll admit the suggestion otherwise left me a little pissed. I had to get everybody's attention and tell the class that if anyone happens to actually think I'm trying to buy a Honor Graduate vote four weeks from now I'd appreciate it if they just go ahead and make use of the trash cans at the front or the back of the room. The "and you can go fuck yourself" wasn't said, but heavily implied.
By the third week things are starting to get interesting. My little carpool group has made going out drinking every Thursday night a thing and for some reason the instructors seem to like the fact we come in Fridays hungover and/or reeking....something to the effect of, "Look, the students are bonding!" or some such. The third week is when we also start student planning our graduation. Due to an on-base exercise we're restricted to using the NCO Club, the same club that we've been hitting up on Thursdays. We had a group study/planning session and as a class we decide we'll have three student speakers....and my "sister" immediately volunteers to be a speaker. Very much a suck-up move because nobody wants to be a speaker. I get it, public speaking is close to the top of most people's phobia list....I know it was on my "sister's" list, just that her need for attention outweighs her fear. I'm guessing she thinks that if she falls on that grenade it will be remembered when it comes time to vote. Now really I only think this, (I kept this suspicion to myself)......because immediately heard from others that they knew she was afraid of public speaking, because she told them, and they mirrored my rationale as to why she is doing it. I have no such compunction and was voluntold to be one of the speakers, and if I'd not been drinking during the study session I think I'd have been smart enough to say "no". My guess I agreed to do it to be a bot of a dick, 'cause I was (am, whatever).
Now I'm thinking something needs to be done to knock this a-bit-stuck-up-SrA down a peg and I'm not quite sure what or how, but I definitely get my chance the next week when I, shit you not, catch her blowing her highlighter during class. She's got one of those big fat pink highlighters and slobbing on it like a $5 crack whore. Best I can do is get one of my buddies to see before she finishes whatever caused her to break out the highlighter in the first place. Now I wish I could say that was the biggest thing that happened that day, but it wasn't. Our classes were 50' long with a 10' break and at the beginning of one of the classroom sessions a few of us were talking and not paying close enough attention, myself included.
"ROOM ATTENTION!"
The instructor called us to attention then singled me out for talking and told me to wait for him outside his office. I am soooo fucked, but I deserve it. For the next 45' I'm at Parade Rest outside his door until the next break. The break finally comes and the students file by, making fun of me...as they should, and the the instructor comes by and ushers me into his office. "What do you have to say for yourself?" My reply was, "Welcome to the 69th Air Wing <Name> Airman Leadership School, MSgt <Another Name> Commanding, Thank You and Have a Nice Day!" Now the instructor has no clue why I'm stating this like a mantra, so I step to the side and open up his office door. All you can see through the doorway is the ALS Welcome Sign on the opposite side of the hallway. I had just spent 45' reading, and re-reading, that sign over and over.
My instructor laughs, tells me to shut the door, and to sit down....I'm not in trouble. Most of the class was being a bit too casual and he figured an example would shape them up and he figured I could take it. He then opens up his desk drawer, grabs something, and tosses it to me. It's a rubber dog bone. He proceeds to tell me that the instructors have noted that some of us have been "bonding" and we could use something else to bond over. I'm to take this dog bone and keep it until someone in class does something "stupid"(?). At that point I'm supposed to interrupt the class, make up some story, and formally present the dog bone as some kind of travelling trophy. Can do SSgt!
Now on the way home I tell the guys about the dog bone and of course about what their "sister" had done with the highlighter. In the course of the conversation I joke about how watching that performance made me hard. Kind of important to note that at this point it is Wednesday of week four......and now we can fast forward to the next day (Thursday).
One of my fellow students does something dumb and I stop class to present the dog bone. I try to make the presentation quick, explaining how I earned the dog bone, yadda...yadda...yadda and I'm still talking as I make my way back to my seat when one of my carpool buddies interjects, "That wasn't the only bone he got yesterday!" The instructor asks for SrA Idiot to explain and I boldly interrupt stating, "I'm sorry, but if SrA Idiot tells that story I will be kicked out of Airman Leadership School." Now if anyone wasn't paying a lot of attention, they sure were now! I continue, "It's not the story itself, but if SrA Idiot continues that story I swear by everything I hold holy I will come across this desk and choke him out." Yeah...that statement went over like a fart in church. I can see a rather uncomfortable look spread across the instructors face and while I was 110% serious, I need to back-pedal. "Thing is it IS Thursday, and if any of you really want to hear this story feel free to join us at the NCO Club at 2100 and I'll tell you the story myself at 2200!"
Much to my surprise not only do most of my fellow student show up for beers and storytime, but three of the four instructors do as well. We all have a few drinks and 2200 rolls around. I get up and I start telling the story of finding a classmate going down on a pink highlighter. I take the time to really work up the details, but I leave out who was doing it. Now there weren't too many women in my ALS class but my sister is just glaring daggers at the other woman from my flight that was in attendance. It occurred to me, in the moment, that the logo/writing on the side of the highlighter had been rubbed off, or sucked off as I put it. As I'm wrapping up what was a extended short story I've managed to work my way around behind my "sister" and I conclude by outing her as the heroine in the story.
This could have completely backfired on me, but it knocked her down a peg and we thought that it'd be the end of her sucking up for Honor Grad. Of course it wasn't but there really wasn't much more I could do......until.....
That base exercise that was restricting us to the NCO Club extended a bit more than expected. We thought we'd have lunch at one location and then have graduation at the NCO Club, but everything had to be at the club. Personally I preferred this, because a bonus was that we'd get to use the numerous TVs around the club to display pictures we all took during class. As soon as we learned about this stroke of luck a few of us started carrying cameras around all the time (this was well before everyone carried a camera phone) and in a stroke of luck I was able to capture a picture of my "sister" once again working the highlighter like a pro.
Guess who was in charge of the graduation luncheon slideshow? All the pictures were on a timer and I made sure the last picture up, for about 3x as long as the others, was of her and the highlighter. The slide show ended pretty much when she was taking the podium to give her speech. I highly doubt any of our guests even noticed, but most of my classmates knew there was a surprise towards the end. After graduation one of the other women (coincidentally the one "sister" was glaring at when I was telling my story) took up a collection of everybody's highlighters, put them in a pencil bag, and gave them to her in front of everyone so she'd have something "for the ride home".
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